I’ve been thinking a lot about the big picture lately. As the kids say “it’s been heavy on my heart.” I’ve been finishing up Girls with Swords by Lisa Bevere and that’s such an awesome book. It helps you remember you are warrior princess in the army of God and you can so important in the grand scheme of things. God’s timing is so perfect. I say that because let me tell you I needed to be reminded of the big picture- grand scheme of things. As you know, I had a terrible break up. And the events surrounding around the breakup chiseled away at my heart. Well more like a big rock came pounding down on it again and again and again. Blood everywhere. And then once the rock finally stopped hitting my heart. I just felt so bruised and cut open I didn’t know what up and what was down.
It was difficult for so many reasons. This entire story and how I have been affected has so many layers it would put an onion to shame. I wanted to blog about it because it’s an event that has happened in my life. And I have been operating on the premise that our pains can help someone else. Our tests can turn into testimonies. I wanted to write it when I wasn’t still hurting… as bad. When I wasn’t angry or bitter honestly at the guy. That wouldn’t have been beneficial to anyone. The very first draft of the blog post that I wrote a few days after it happened, I saved because those were my feelings at the time. I am doing everyone a favor by not posting it. It’s embarrassing to all parties involved. Haha
Without getting into too much detail (it’s not necessary for the post plus the full story will be in the book I write about my life one day) the reasons listed for breaking up with me came down to things that had nothing to be with my character or heart- as a friend would describe they were shallow reasons. As Christians when we look for a life partner, things such as: our relationship with God, our character, our love for people, our servant leadership are qualities that are most important. These are the things that should matter above all else. So having none of these qualities questioned, instead having them praised during the break up added a whole new layer of hurt and honestly confusion. This was a person who’s desire to do good and desire to follow after God I admired. The events and words surrounded the breakup I could have never predicted. Some of the words and actions committed felt completely out character. At more than one point I felt like I was talking to a stranger. As a matter of fact, it came completely out of nowhere. I had ZERO warning we even had problems. I mean he had asked my dad for the blessing to marry me no more than two months prior (something that shocked me and elated me, most importantly to the story made be believe he wanted to marry me). He treated me like a queen throughout the entire relationship. He encouraged me and took an active role in helping me pursue many of my dreams. I genuinely believed we were in love and we would grow old together. I say all of this not to bash him. (Though my opinion of him has changed a lot over time. I do recognize he is human and God loves him. He needs Jesus just as much as I do.) But I share this for you to get a full overarching picture of my feelings and mindset. I want you to fully understand the level of hurt I was going through. I will say this post isn’t about him.
I have been in a battle of the mind— it feels almost daily— reminding myself the only opinion that matters is God’s. We live in the world. That’s an undeniable fact. The things that matter to man don’t matter as much to God. I am constantly reminding myself that only God matters. It’s hard when you have to participate in the world and you have to date. I can’t even express how much I never wanted to do it again. I mean even in the world of “Christian” dating you can get hurt. In my prayer journal, which I have been writing in daily during this time let me tell you, I have continually written how the world feels about me abc and then right after that sentence I make myself write “but it doesn’t matter because God feels xyz”. And I do the dance of “well this is where I am” “I have to marry a man if I want to have children” “at the end of the day this particular thing is important to guys clearly my inside doesn’t matter” BUT then I go “well at the end of the day Jesus has to be enough”. I ask myself and honestly I’m asking you, “Is Jesus enough?” I still think it’s corny to say “Jesus is boyfriend.”. You won’t catch me saying that unless I’m being sarcastic, but the sentiment is important. Just Jesus is enough. In building that relationship with God, you’re able to embrace His love. I wish I could put it into words for those who may not have a relationship with God…yet (I’m praying for ya). It’s just something you have experience. Once you truly experience it you know it’s enough. If that’s all get for the rest of your life it’s enough. I mean people risk their lives because of this kind of love.
And this may come off as bragging and I mean that’s not my fault if you take it that way. I do think sometimes we do need to remind ourselves this. I am a great person. I have an amazing heart. I do try to follow God and do the right thing. I love people. And I genuinely want people to be content/happy and find hope and joy with Jesus. My character—the things about me on the inside— are good. That’s something undeniable that no one can take away from me. The surface level outward appearance things do NOT matter. What matters is what God says. And I know I grew up in church and I hear that all that the time. The Bible says “I’m fearfully and wonderfully made.” (Psalm 139:14) I would hear that and in my head go “blah blah blah”. I wanted other humans to see me fearfully and wonderfully made as well. And the reality is, it does not matter. The only thing that matters is what God thinks. It’s a hard concept to fully embrace because a) we live in this world b) it can sometimes feel like God’s opinion of me doesn’t matter here on this earth. And boy let me tell you, those reasons are constantly going through my head as well. But when you start thinking “Heaven focused” and stop thinking about everything being about you, those become minor reasons.
The biggest thing I realized is that if I sit here and call myself a Christian. If I read the Bible and believe it’s every word, then no one else’s opinions matter… at all. I have to look to God. I have to look at how God says I am important and I have a purpose. (Joshua 1:9, Jeremiah 29:11). During this crazy and uncertain time I can’t sit here and say that my whole life is figured out, but I do know God has called me to step out and help people. That is such a great calling. When I think about that and about all of the possibilities of my purpose and all of dreams. I get happy. I get really excited. That’s what matters. If I never have the typical “get married have 8 kids (yes, in a perfect world I would have 8 kids haha) experience”. It doesn’t—it shouldn’t—matter. I still stand by my statement that I told a friend when I was dating and she was feeling discouraged “We don’t need another person. Jesus should be enough, but we are designed to be relational and life is tough it would be great to go through your lows and your highs with someone because you have someone to celebrate with and you can build each other up.” I stand by that, but I also realize that is not going to be everyone’s story. I would like to be mine, but if it’s not Jesus is enough. With or without a partner in life Jesus is enough. What he says and thinks is more than enough.
What’s wild is this isn’t a linear struggle. I was pretty secure in my self worth before I started dating. I mean I’m human I had a flaw or two, but I thought I had fought and won against some of these demons already. That’s just not how this works. Life is journey. This is a lesson you will be reminding myself until old and gray. And it’s okay. Jesus knows my heart and He loves me just the same. He will keep loving me through every season. He loves you too. Even though my entire breakup situation I think is pretty unique. I’ve never heard of anything quite like it. I know my feelings after this breakup are not unique. My prayer is that who ever reads this is able to say with me “but it doesn’t matter. Only what God thinks matter. And Jesus is enough.”
