It’s that time of year again. It’s February, the month of love or loneliness. December was pretty lonely seeing everyone take cute pictures with their lovers, exchanging presents, oh and that New Year’s Eve kiss. January isn’t as bad. We put our work and focus back into ourselves so it’s not as bad. We are focusing less on comparison and more on bettering ourselves. And then February hits. It’s the month of love or loneliness.
Valentine’s Day is in the middle of the month so those 13 days before are just agonizing. Everywhere you see signs of it from the literal signs in the rite aid to those commercials advertising for you to buy something for your significant other. You watch your girl friends struggle to find their significant other the “perfect” gift. You here your boy friends plan these cute dates. Then there’s you. What’s this? Your 23rd Valentine’s Day alone.
I usually dread Valentine’s Day. I didn’t always. At one point I thought it was cute and one day someone will ask me to be their Valentine. Then I had a boyfriend- well two boyfriends- that didn’t even bother to get me anything. Not only did they not get me anything, we didn’t do anything. One posted a nice picture of me to say happy Valentine ’s Day. The other absolutely nothing. And honestly they never did anything for me ever anyway. I never received a gift from them at all, but I thought the one day that was dedicated to that, they would acknowledge me. They didn’t. After that I dreaded the holiday. It just reminded me I am alone and even if someone says they “love” me I am still not worth a gift. And I mean it’s not about a gift. Who cares about a gift or who cares about a dinner? It’s about the thought. The thought that even though I say I love you, I say you mean the world to me, you aren’t worth doing anything special. You aren’t worth my actions.
I post sad depressing memes on February 13 and stay off social media by February 14 hoping I would feel better. That’s the thing about social media it encourages comparison. You look at all of these people dressed up and smiling with someone who we perceive as their soulmate and you come to realize you don’t have that. And you wonder will you have that? It’s the 23rd year and you still haven’t had that. You still don’t have that love you keeping craving.
How do we feel better? Because honestly the feeling doesn’t go away after February 14th. It’s not like a switch turns on and you don’t hate your life anymore. I hate it. I hate that feeling. Sometimes I can’t even be happy for my friends. Sometimes it makes me want to just lay in my bed all day. I have these terrible thoughts of being worthless. If you’ve never felt the crippling sense of you being worthless count yourself lucky. It’s crippling because it affects how you react to everything. It affects how you react to every smile, every raise in octave from a loved one, or every hesitant hug. How do you get rid of it? How do you stop feeling that way? What do you need to do to feel better?
There are so many of us walking around with that pain. If you looked at my Instagram account you probably would have no clue. You would have no clue about how I truly felt. Many of your single friends- heck even you taken friends- feel lonely and worthless you just don’t know. Sometimes it’s easier to hide your true feelings than to express how you really feel. I know I got really used to saying “Yeah, I’m fine.”
It’s been almost three years since I had a “boyfriend”. I hadn’t had anyone else significant in my life since then. I had a whole- a large whole- I kept constantly trying to fill. I met a guy here. I met a guy there. Keep trying to find the one. In the process trying to fill that whole, I began forcing things to work that would never work. I just didn’t want to be alone. I also wanted that picture to post on Instagram. I also wanted to participate in the my “boyfriend did this” my “boyfriend did that” conversations with all of my friends. I was tired of being the third or fifth wheel.
This year is different though. I didn’t get a boyfriend. So how did I get this way? How am I now able to be so content in this life. This life I dreaded for so long. I can’t put this feeling into words. The hole is closed. It was closed by the only thing that can close. No boy, no drug, no drink can close that hole. You can try anything and I promise you it won’t close that hole. It can only be closed with Jesus. I understand it can feel weird if you aren’t “religious”. I mean some invisible man in the sky can make me feel better than something that is here physically? Yeah that’s unbelievable. But it’s the truth. I am proof of it. It is what happened. It wasn’t some big event. But one day I woke up after praying and pursuing God and it was closed.
It’s different now. This February I am not sad. It’s a different feeling. I don’t get that pit anymore whenever I see anything love related. For a while I couldn’t even watch love story movies. It would make me sick. I don’t have a hole anymore. I don’t feel alone anymore. I don’t have the crippling sense of loneliness or worthlessness. I can’t explain why the feeling went away. I didn’t have a huge moment when I felt the click. I just felt better.
This year I have decided to take myself out for Valentine’s Day. I decided to treat myself more with love. I am my biggest critic in every aspect of my life. But I think the best decision I have ever made was to accept God’s love for me. I don’t remember the exact moment, but I think that was the clicker. I think the moment I accepted God as that person I stopped caring. I stopped caring about not being enough because I felt I was enough. But I wasn’t enough because of me I was enough because of God.
Feeling Jesus’s love wash over and is a feeling unmatched. How do you get that way? How do get content with your portion in your season? Purse him. Pursue with all of your heart. Spend time with Him. Pick up your Bible do some type of devotional. Listen to worship music. The feeling and relief of not relying on someone else for this happiness is truly unparalleled. Being completely enamored and in love with Jesus is the best way to get rid of that pain.
I’m happy. I’m content. And this time no one can take it away from me.
Comments